ON MAKING THE PERFECT CUP OF TEA the single most important factor in making a perfect tasting cup of tea is time : it takes…
ON MAKING THE PERFECT CUP OF TEA
the single most important factor in making a perfect tasting cup of tea is time : it takes this whole bunch of time to make great tea, you see : probably, from start to finish, we’re talking about 20 minutes here : don’t look at me like that : oh aye and if you’re one of those that eschews use of the teapot then you can just go jump because you’re not living right : so, go find yourself a teapot which says the most about you : mine, as you’ll see, is a beautiful dark colbalt China blue teapot with finely wrought gilt flowering set around its equator because inside my heart is a dead writhing black thing, loveless and inconsolable, obviously : boil a kettle, and take out your tea. NB., the water should be boiling, not boiled, so stop being lazy and refill it with fresh water and yes I know a vocal minority say this is ‘wasteful’ but ask yourself, have THEY ever made you a decent cuppa? : if I were to really lead you down the path of righteousness I’d be telling you to buy free-leaved (leafed?) tea, but Twinings will do : incarcerated tealeaves locked up in their soft cell : if it’s good enough for Stephen Fry then it’s good enough for you too girl : on no account whatsoever drink Tetley’s tea : it’s probably made from the ground clippings of pigs’ toenails and in the box smells like a hoover’s armpit : Yorkshire tea is, ofc, also rather good : when the water boils you should then summon up the immortal spirit of Joyce’s Molly Bloom and scream ‘POLDY! SCOLD THE TEAPOT!’ : if you’re doing this correctly then you’ll have just frightened the piss out of your elderly neighbours (again) : so then, do as she says: scold the teapot : sluice a good third of the hot water around the inners, swilling its porcelain toothless mouth clean for about 20 seconds : the idea is for it to be freaking hot in there : okay, now lob in a bag or two of tea, then the boiling water : if you have a teacosy, let it get cosy with the teapot : if not: improvise : I still haven’t found a suitable cosy so I’m using the oven-gloves : this is called symbolism : wait for about 10 minutes : if you like go pick your nose a bit, if no one’s looking : or send a message to a friend if you have any : or update your Facebook status : ‘jst making a brew y'all fml lol’ : pour the tea : then wait some more, careful not to screw it up now with impatience by scolding the milk : wait wait wait : you could use a lemon at this point instead but stately plump Buck Mulligan wouldn’t like that : Paris fads : finally, stir the tea and make a whirlpool : poor milk and watch what a galaxy looks like from above in time-lapse
If it doesn’t taste absolutely perfect, then write a strongly worded letter of complaint to a Mr Stephen Fry., Cambridge, England. He’s an extremely kind, sympathetic man and will no doubt write back to you.